Protected: At a loss

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我几时才能把你给忘了?

阅读了不少人的blog, 有冲动以华文来写blog。现在觉得很麻烦，因为不熟悉操作。Will see how things go.

昨天晚上和 L 在 MSN 聊了很久，她说她很想回到公司工作。主要有两个原因。第一，她在她现任的公司实在是呆不下去了。第二，我公司的薪金非常的诱惑。我当然是双手赞成，因为到现在，我还是和她工作最有默契。但我还是奉劝她一定要考虑清楚，而不要只看在金钱的份上，勉强自己回来，最后又委屈自己。她也让我知道她现在的 doubts，我都一一的反驳，唯有这一句，我无法很有信心的反驳她。那句话就是：“好马不吃回头草。”

尽管我想尽办法安抚她，告诉她大家都会非常欢迎她回来，她还是有些忐忑不安。这也很难怪她，、换成是我，我也会有同感。

不过，我觉得还是有希望的，因为她自己都觉得，当初离开的有点冲动，因为当时她并没有不满公司，反而工作得很愉快。我只能劝她，当时她也不知道自己跌落了“圈套 ”，因为面试所说的和实际情况差了十万八千里。我只能说当时只知道要把握机会，所以她也没有做错。现在最大的阻挠将是薪金方面。唯能等到明天托同事透露一下才能知道下一步该怎么走。

她也问了我我和 H 的境况如何。我只能告诉她我们还有联络，下星期还会一起吃饭。就是这样。L 说的话总是一针见血，好像我肚里的蛔虫似的。

她觉得我就这样放弃他很可惜，毕竟我都等了那么久。我告诉她，就是因为等了那么久，我一定要把他给忘了。可是我真的能这样轻易的放得下吗？如果可以，我就不会有如此下场了。。。

我说，我需要找到另一个能让我倾心的男人，我才能把他给忘了。L 说这样对对方太不公平了，因为我只是把他当作 H 的代替品。我也知道这样很不对，会遭天遣。除非我能够把H给彻底的忘了，再另寻“目标”。

L 帮我看了2008年的运程，今年是好年，我将会找到我的另一半。但我也读到这一部分：

“[我]会采取以静制动的策略，让对方先爱上[我]，然后[我]才投入感情，使自己立于不败之地。”

我经常对运程抱着一种很 skeptical, “Take it with a pinch of salt ” 的心态。可能年纪大了，越来越不相信它。因为通常只有好的不灵，坏的灵。L 叫我要乐观点，不要轻易放弃。

好吧，我就听她的话，乐观点，学着不要把事情看得太重，顺其自然。

Easier said than done.

Protected: Loneliness

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On the edge of depression

I am seriously stressed up. The Career Exhibition at Suntec is coming up in a few more hours. By then, it will be D Day, where my directors see the booth and start giving (bad)comments.

I was attending to this stupid event the whole of today. Out of office to see to the voice recording, then at the booth until 10.30pm to see to the construction. And I have to admit that the result is less than satisfactory, to put it nicely. It really, really helps to be less critical, and to do less nit picking. It hurts and it is annoying when you spend so much time on something, and when the final product is up, all you get are people who make insensitive comments like “the size of the chart is wrong”, there is a missing comma there”, etc. You get it, little little details! And I was very very pissed off when my colleague gave comments like this. I mean, what do you expect me to do? There is no time to change anything now right? People are always more critical when it is not their own work.

The week so far has been nothing short of a chockful of emotions for me. Last Thursday, we arranged over MSN to meet for lunch yesterday (Tuesday) as his boss wanted some recruitment brochures from the different ministries. The conversation was good; it felt like old times again. It was such a pity my connection got cut off halfway and I lost a lot of my history! 😦 I remember I asked him about KTV that was to be held last Saturday and he told me to go as he had two songs he wanted me to sing. I forgot to ask him what they were…

He smsed me on Monday to ask if we could meet as he had cancelled his leave. It was great receiving his sms although there was no way I could join him then! It was a horrible day!

Then he called on Tuesday morning to confirm our meeting time. I could feel thrills (is that what it is called?) down my spine when I heard his voice after so long. Then I became paranoid and asked if he couldn’t make it for lunch.

Our lunch was scheduled for 12.30pm. I really can’t describe my feelings when I left the office. It was a sense of anticipation, nervousness, happiness, all rolled into one.

Then as I crossed the T Junction to go to Holland V, I received a call from him. Apparently he had missed his free shuttle bus to Holland V and was taking a bus. So he asked if I had left office and whether I wanted to wait for him at the bus stop. So I told himI had already walked beyond that and told him I would wait for him at the traffic junction. At this point, I felt very good already. 🙂 Then he said he didn’t want me to wait under the hot sun and told me to wait under some void deck. I was practically blushing at that point! 🙂 I just felt it was so sweet! This is one of the many instances I feel he actually has the vibes for me and suddenly I feel on top of the world.

When he reached and I saw him waiting at the junction, he gave such a nice smile and a good wave. I know I have missed him. And really, at that instance, I was thinking we are only separated by 3 traffic lanes! Duh!

Then we walked to Holland V and along the way, we had a pretty good conversation. We went to Thai Express for lunch. And it was then I managed to take a good look at him. He hasn’t changed much; he is still the same considerate, confident and thoughtful guy I knew a few years ago.

And he remembers! He remembered that we also ate at the Thai Express at Plaza Sing before, and that was like two years ago!

And as usual, he was telling me to expand my social circle, sign up for more activities to know more guys. And as usual, all I wanted to tell him was I just want to know you better! He did suggest bringing me to some places that he though were interesting, but we will just see how things go from there. I usually try not to be too optimistic about such things.

Then he said something that really shocked me. He said he was involved in a car accident on Saturday night while out with his friends and the taxi had missed him by inches. I didn’t know what to say except to be really shocked. I thought if (touchwood) something really happened to him, not confessing to him would turn out to my biggest regret. Just like on TV, I know. But well, it is still status quo now..

Then we left and he offered to give me a taxi lift back to office. And the end. This was the end of our short date.

This morning, on my way to work, on the overhead bridge, I saw the traffic junction and I was reminded by yesterday’s date and emotions just welled up in me. I realised I miss him so much…:(

I realise I have devoted much of this entry to talk about it, but I don’t want to forgot anything so..

Some words are the hardest to say

2 posts in a day. Haven’t done something like this in a long time.. Was reading this particular post and it just triggered the emo side of me again. Why do we not dare to say the things we want to say?

Not for fear that it might lead me back to square one, but fear that it might lead me back even further than that. I can’t imagine the scenario that if the worst happens, we can’t ever be friends again. I can’t imagine that if the both of us are online in future, we won’t even dare to initiate a conversation without any awkwardness. I can’t imagine what will happen when there are gatherings with the rest of the group and either one of us chooses not to turn up.

Like I mentioned in my last post, I hate myself for having to determine my moods and feelings based on his every behaviour. I really can’t help it.

I wonder why I feel this way now. When I was working in the bank, I didn’t have problems like this. I am happy if I meet him, I am ok if I don’t. And the last MSN conversation we had was like four months ago and I was ok with it. And the KTV we had before the last one, I just left abruptly without saying a proper goodbye. I was fine with that also. Why oh why am I feeling like this now? Because I am less busy now, perhaps I had too much expectations to begin with and when all that expectations became futile, I was greatly disappointed.

There are some thoughts which I don’t even dare to put down in words; for fear that it might translate into reality. 😦